When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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