I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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