I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
