So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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