I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
