I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
