If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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