Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
