I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
