pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Randomize
