Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
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