ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
