Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
