I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize