Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Randomize
