I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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