I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize