Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
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