If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Randomize
