you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I need water and some morals
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize