The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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