I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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