I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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