she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
