So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
