Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I did not marry a roomba.
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