I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Randomize
