Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
