I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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