we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
