i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I just want nice things and good sex
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
