I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
