in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
