And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
