I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
