You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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