I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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