When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Randomize
