After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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