You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
