yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
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