If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
