Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
