I am puke
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
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