Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
