I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
