my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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