You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
