if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
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