Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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