So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize