We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
