I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize