I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
