No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
