Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize