i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
