I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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