Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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