I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
it's like iHOP with fire
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
