we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
