Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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